: suprised with myself

for a quick update: my mom is having people paint our house and so she hasn't been bugging me much lately.  so i'm ok with this.

aside from that, i'm becoming to be a real business woman...whatever that means.  i'm working with a good friend to help him start a publications company.  yea!!!!!!  this is what i want.  since he's got ownership, i've got the tittle of CMO...check this : CHIEF MARKETING OFFICER. who would have thunk it?!?!?

i haven't even gotten into m school of choice, i'm not even old enough to drink and i've got this settled.  the thing is now is if i can convience my parents that this is something that they shouldn't worry about now that i'll be working hard to make it big and stay that way.

on a less professional note, i think i'm ready now to do what i havent been able to do in almost a year.  i'm not positive, but i'm going to try.

 : eHh

today was numbing for me.  i real don't feel anything anymore.  the only time that i did was later in the evening.  i showed up for class then talked to my professor so that i could be excused for the rest of the night.  i then proceeded to ciaro's.

i met with zet and then jason and lyz showed.  (zet & lyz both called to meet me there at different times!!! hahah!!! i luv em girls!!!)

i vented for a while...only cuz i haven't had much contact with the outside world.  if it weren't for class i'd probably go insane if i havent gone already.  my level of apathy, i believe, has reached it's highest.  i'm so tempted to just up and walk and disregard the life that i endure here at home.  unfortunatly, for myself, it hasn't gotten to that point.

i know that i need help...well, at least someone to talk to about this.  i've been drinking almost every night (secret stash that i've saved).  i know...not good...but i don't know what else to do.  sad to say, i don't even want to care anymore...about anything.  i'm ready to just completly disappear.  i want to go to a place where no one knows me.  a small quiet town in the middle of no where.  live my life in it's present status and not worry about any personal obligations to anyone with the exception of myself.  i've just about had it.  i'm on the verge of just letting my dreams go by.

we blew bubbles tonight.  i left ciaro's to get some bubbles so we could blow smoke into them...awesome sight.  but when i thought about it, and as super cheezy as it sounds, it made me think of everything that i believe in and hope for.  the simplest things that i want to make me happy are all held in this thin layer.  and the moment...the split fraction of a second that some unwanted rugged form appears to present itself and intrude, it's all released and becomes obsolete.  it's insides evaporated into the air leaving no traces of itself.  all that would remain was the mess that had been splashed upon the floor.

pathetic, isn't it?  that i'm comparing my life and it's happiness to hookah filled bubbles.  but it's the truth.  it's something so fragile and sensitive.  the slightest form of intrusion destroys it's marvel. 

i should be a bubble.  just pop and release all that's inside of me.  leave a mess for someone else to clean up.  and allow all that i hold near and dear completly vanish from my life forever.

i'm sad. i'm going to sleep now.

 : irritated

so i got my unemployment papers yesterday and the very next day, i get bugged regarding my lack of responsibility.  i know that it's all time sensitive red tape...but come on!!! it's one day!!!

for some strange reason i can't get a break with them.  i feel so under-appreciated sometimes. here's what sucks about it when i want to complain...i question it.  are they right? am i right? are we both right? sometimes i wish there was a chart that describes specifically who's right in the parental-child relationship.

i want to leave to go to school.  i want to move out.  i want to live my life as if the all responsibilities i have are only obligated to me.  living at home, i feel that everything i think and do still need approval from my parents.  i'm not saying that it's wrong...i just want to be able to be the kind of person that i want to be and not have to worry about making anyone else but me happy.  unfortunatly, i don't know when i'll get that chance.

a friend once told me that, "i do NOT have any obligations to my parents.  sure, they brought me into this world, but that was their choice.  not mine.  they wanted to have me.  i didn't ask them to birth me.  therefore, they owe me for bringing this form of consciousness alive."  i thought about this.  and i think to myself that he's right.  i don't owe a damn thing to my parents...however...i've learned, not through them, but through my experience on this earth, that everything deserves a particular level of respect.  this is where it gets complicated so be prepared:

though i don't believe that i have any left-over dues to my parents, with the exception of financial means, i believe that they as a whole deserve the respect as parental units.  thus, an unconditional form of (love and) respect has been grounded to them.  as individuals, they have an additional form of respect.  for my father...it's one of the highest collaterals. for my mother...it's defiantly questionable.

i try so hard to express exactly how i feel about that woman knowing that based upon my standards she deserves a level of respect.  it's hard for me to decipher however, exactly what that is.  i want her understand why i want do the things i want to do and why i do the things i do.  i want her to comprehend how i feel.  not only as her daughter, but as an individual, my thoughts and feelings of how my life, and those around me, should be comprised of support, unconditional love, and without critisim and judgement of character.  i want her to realize that i'm not six anymore.  rather, i want her to see that i've grown up into a person, a human being with thoughts and opinions and emotions and feelings that are influenced by the people that are most crucial in this life.

i'm sad now.  i don't know why it's so hard for me to talk to her.  i don't understand why she's always mad at me.  i feel so helpless when i'm around her.  there's nothing i can do to make her accept me, let alone be proud of me.  or at least, that's how it feels.  how is anyone supposed to deal with knowing that one of the most important people in their life isn't happy with them?  will someone please tell me? 

i want to cry now....i think i will....

 ~> depressed...

it's HALLOWEEN.  hope everyone had a safe night.

alright...now to the point. tonight, i didn't do anything but stay at home and passed out candy.
 <<<special thanks is credited to charles for randomly stopping by to keep me company>>>

todays events consisted of me waking up to an upset mother yelling at me to clean.  it amuses me sometimes to see how this doesn't surprise me.  thereafter, i preped for an interview for DeVry University, a school that i have no idea how i'm going to pay for.  upon leaving, i incur another arguement between me and my mother regarding how much of a waste i'm spending my time.

the reason why i'm depressed right now:  i watched TV

**yea, i know...it rots the brain.  but let me explain a few things.  the first show that i started watching was something about "Rags to Riches" on VH1.  the show was about how these poor unfortunate individuals worked on making it big...and then the last segment was about how when they were done making it big, they began supporting their parents
**the next thing that came on was a show called "Related"...i think..anyways, in the end, the youngest daughter did this play (her father hated the idea of her going into theater than med) and she had nude scene to top it off (something that would make any person under the scrutiny of an parental unit scwerm). the other part of the ending was about a couple that broke up...and it was obvious, based upon the tense facades that both parties put up, that some type of sentimental meanings still layed within their hearts
**and the last part that got me to this point was watching "Laguna Beach".  it was the episode where kristin and that class graduated...hmm...when they said "...and the graduating class of 2005..."  and played the music...i turned off the TV and got up.

my thoughts : am i really a failure?

i thought about it.  i graduated from high school...sure, but with no real honors except for the ones that i had in my head.  i lost my job and i'm financially speaking, i've lost the stauts i once had.  my mother hardly shows me that she's proud or even supports me.  all i feel i hear from her is her consistantly putting me down.  and then knowing that i will most likely end up single for the rest of my life...i'm finally learning how to deal.

it sucks that one of the few and only outlets that i have is to blog...considering i haven't done this is so long.  but the truth is...i'm not happy anymore.  i'm nowhere near contentment as i once was...and now i'm in the middle of starting over.  i don't really mind. i know that i can do it.  it's hard work that i kno w i can do.  what kills me about all this is that i've lost the people that i realied on for support. 

i'm ending this blog here...i think i'll go cry now...

 : life....it sucks

i don't remember when the last time was that i've been able to do anything real for myself, on my myspace, i've finally put up my "farewell" notice. yea, i'm taking a break from life. it sucks how i've lost my job and how my parents lied to me....ok, just my mom.
; right now, i'm looking for a job closer to home, and hoping that if it's just part-time, that it'll be enough.  it should.  aside from that, i'm tired. but then again, i'm always tired. at least now, i can focus on how my life will really be.

i'm going to end this entry here since i've got homework and work-work to do now.